I am alone. Physically. The first time. In months. Completely alone. This is a terribly awkward feeling. It's like putting your feet in a pair of old sneakers; it just doesn't seem to fit anymore. Your feet have grown wider, longer, and broader and it just feels so unfamiliar and uncomfortable. I've become sadly reminiscent in the last few hours. Lots of things, turning the cogs in my brain and each subject seems to make it's way to the front of my mind like clockwork.
For instance... I haven't even spoken to five people from school in this past month and have been entirely content with that notion.
The production of Les Miserables caused me to separate myself entirely from this past year and I have met some remarkable people and I feel as though I'm learning to live again. As if I'm learning the functions of other humans such as myself; when in actuality all I've done is met new, diverse people. Interesting, thoughtful, and talented people. People who live for creative expression and freedom through happiness. A month has fallen from this year as a leaf from a tree and it feels like fall.
So much has happened and I don't know where to begin to process all this information.
Cara has left.. Is this right? I don't even know where to begin with that. The reality still feels like it hasn’t hit me about her absence.
And I met a girl. A wonderful girl. A beautiful a girl. A girl who loves me.
Again: I am alone in my room. What is this? I don't want to learn all this nonsense again. Where do I begin this summer after an astonishing experience with some of the tri-county's finest?
Who do I call? Who's still a person to me?
Am I still worth wild to anyone else?
Loneliness should be a crime and I should be condemned for committing it.
It is wrong what I expect from people… I expect that someone, there’s has to be at least one out there, to love me and want to be with me. Although, I find myself asking “..for what? What qualities do I possibly carry that anyone would seek to find in a person?” There is no luster about me really.. Temporarily I can be a diamond… Gorgeous and entrancing to look at until you find all the dull edges that cause the boredom and neglect I tend to receive over time..
I wish I were special to someone… And I don’t mean talented… That’s an empty word now.. Everyone describes me as “talented” when I express that I feel so clear and over looked.
Mister Cellophane..
The word “talented” is like Novocain.. Numbing and uncomfortable.
Won’t anyone ever see me and be taken by the fact that I’m me? And love me for it?
I suppose that’s just asking for too much, huh?
So.. What exactly has gone on with Logan? What's going on in that head of his? Not quite sure really, "just mangled guts pretending" I suppose. I really am quite worn out right now.. There is so much potential good happening to me that seems to keep being stopped by the brick wall that is made of all my make-up work for school. So.. I've been absent frequently this year because a boat load of different reasons. Some less excusable than others.. Nonetheless, they have left me with a huge mess to clean up.. Tonight. I just wish that, with all the goods in my life, the bad wasn't so big. So domineering.
I feel sick and weak.. It's the best two adjectives I could think of to describe it. So far off the ground and I am so deeply affected by its spinning. I need consistence.
I need something.
Something to get me through..
